Recovering from a big injury: how you can help someone move forward in a better way
Background
Being independent and active is a large part of my identity and purpose.
Of all the injuries, the most complicated has been the compound fracture to my leg. Initially I had a couple of surgeries and rod inserted into it, pinning the shattered part together. This stabilised the leg, and after a month, I was starting to get back on my feet with the aid of a wheelchair. Being able to get out of bed was a real game changer: It meant I could go to the toilet, move around and not have to constantly rely on help from others. It meant being able to wash and brush my teeth instead of having a flannel bath in bed.
Being bedbound is a huge challenge: The day-to-day things that - we take for granted - suddenly become extremely difficult; even with just one broken bone! It is tough for someone who is so active to become helpless and needing constant help for even the most basic things.
5 weeks after the accident, when I was just getting used to moving around on crutches, I was told that my leg was getting worse. The broken bone wasn’t fusing, and the skin wasn’t healing, meaning that an infection was getting worse. After major surgery I found myself back in bed with the pin removed, big chunks (6cm!) of bone cut out and a huge frame around my leg. After a month of progress, I was right back to where I started. Worse still, I was now looking at a recovery time of around a year: Now using a bedpan and being infantilised again. When you’ve had freedom to move around anywhere, it feels like a prison when it’s taken away.
This was where things were at their lowest: I had days of extreme pain, problems sleeping, battles with the side-effects of Morphine and generally wanting the world to stop.
Why
By writing this article, I want to help the families, friends and supporters of people who are in a similar situation to mine. As a very active and independent person, being bedbound in hospital and losing that independence was one of my biggest personal challenges. I noticed that different people had different effects on my mood, and I was trying to work out why, and how I might be able to change or affect that for the good of everyone. It can be very difficult on relationships as everyone is trying their best, but it doesn’t always work out that way.
Different people need different approaches, but for an ex-military person I found that those from a military background tended to be more adept at saying or doing the right thing. Other visitors just wanted to be around me but were visibly sad that I was injured.
Radiators and drains
Oprah Winfrey famously used the terms ‘radiators’ and ‘drains’ for types of people that either give or absorb warmth.
Personally, I believe we need both types in life: drains to keep us on the straight and narrow, and radiators warming us for difficult times ahead. My suggestion is that if you’re supporting someone in hospital, you need to be radiating warmth to them (via a person with a radiator personality type) more so than draining it from their dwindling supply (characteristic of the drain personality type)[1].
As a patient, I get frustrated by people asking “How are you?” or telling me things like “Keep your chin up”. Both are well-meant, lovely gestures but they were unhelpful to me in the stages of being a patient. I will explain why later.
What got me through 11 weeks of being a patient in hospital:
1. Try to get back to normal mental activity again so you’re not consuming garbage.
Wasting your time watching films/Netflix/boxsets may sound great in the short-term (it’s like a mini holiday), however, long-term recovery depends of feeling like you’re moving in the right direction by owning your injury – not the other way around.
From my knowledge and training from those that have been held in captivity, adopting a new routine is the best way to get through a sudden, life-changing accident or injury.
2. Managing visitors.
Some people will try and visit you whenever they want – these visitors are difficult as they arrive according to their schedule and not necessarily at a convenient time for the patient. Of course, it is lovely to have people drop in on you unexpectedly – however do be aware that those from all parts of your life will start getting in contact in large droves!
It can be time-consuming for the individual to manage these things so if there is someone with enough spare capacity to do it on your behalf – I’d strongly recommend doing so. Agreeing a date and rough time window will allow them to control their own time whilst still allowing you both to hang out and can have a good experience.
The most difficult visitors are the ones that come and visit you and look forlorn and glum the entire time; The patient needs to develop the tact and skill of asking people to leave if they are having a negative effect on their mood, especially at difficult times when the morale needs to be kept up.
Likewise, visitors need to spot the signs when the patient is getting agitated and wants to be on their own. Remember that a bedbound person has very little privacy. They may need to go to the toilet, but are too embarrassed to say, or to do it in front of visitors. They may be tired and in pain, and want to take some medication and sleep, but feel like they must stay awake for the visitor.
Little and often is usually good practice. Maybe longer visits if you have something planned, e.g. a walk outside the hospital, or a trip to a café.
3. Have a plan for your ‘low days’.
Warn a list of your friends that you will need help from them in the future when you encounter the dreaded ‘low day’. This may be something small like keeping some of the chocolate or films you’ve been given to pick up your mood.
The way I experienced it, was that your mobile phone can either be your best friend in recovery for connection to the outside world, or worst enemy. Depending on how regularly you want and like contact – this is something which you can clarify with your support network. Being disciplined with how often you use it is a gentle art which will take time to cultivate.
4. Don’t always start a conversation by asking the patient, ‘how are you?’!
This will be counter-intuitive but try to understand: Your friend or loved one is in hospital, they’re probably having a bad day already! Assume that’s the way and try asking them indirectly and encouraging them to talk it through.
It’s in these times that we - the patient - need positive energy from our supporters to get us through the harder times. If you can’t be there to see your friend or loved one, send them something funny or noteworthy, something that is interesting and sparks good conversation.
By constantly asking them how they are, you’re forcing them to package a difficult time into a grammatical sentence structure which forces them to partly relive their experience – why not instead let the detail come out in conversation by being a source of energy for them. Doing this gets rid of some of their hard time through conversation.
Make conversation about other things which aren’t going to constantly demand the patient to go over details again and again (as they might have done with other visitors that day). Talk about the silly, fun things you have been up to. What’s happening in the outside world etc.
5. Be careful of how often you’re using social media.
The contact with the outside world can be unmanageable through social media. Understanding that it will make a patient feel connected to others a poor representation of the outside world may be a helpful strategy to overcome how perfect it looks
And many messages will likely come through if you’re your audience is that way inclined. I found the longer and deeper messages from close friends helped whilst I barely read (and often ignored) the generic ones like “how are you doing mate?” or “chin up buddy” as they were difficult to know how or what to respond to them.
6. Find ways to weave some physical fitness into your new routine.
My hardest part of the period was when I was bed bound due to recovery from the surgical operations.
My support team found me little ways to ward off low mood with some simple exercises. Whilst you’ll be in no hurry to undertake them at the start, you’ll want to find innovative ways of measuring success to ensure you’re on an upwards trajectory. When I first started using crutches, my body had burned loads of muscle and so I’d get tired out early on - progress was based upon how far along a wall I could get (sometimes just shuffling a little bit further than the previous day).
7. Be careful about how much stuff you bring with you into hospital.
Your friends will bring you things they think that you want whilst you’re there – mainly food, books, electric devices and the like.
This is lovely, however challenging if it starts to stack up and you have very limited mobility. You can find that it starts to get in the way of the things that keep you sane and happy – and you use very little of it on a regular basis anyway.
References
(1) www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-pylas/radiator-or-drain_b_7630554.html
